why?

I just feel a sudden surge of emo when I completed any job application just now.. just beating the deadline of 12am.. My friend at the other end of msn was rushing for it as well, And almost failed to make the deadlines..

Out of a sudden, I just feel very sad. Why are we stressing up so hard all over the application forms and be fighting with almost everyone in the world to get a job in London when we can easily get one decent job if we return home? Why?? Because we all know the life too well back home?

I feel pathetic for my own mentality for giving up on my own country, and would rather stay in people's place and do whatever I can to get a job here.. But I can't help it.. I don't know why, but I am just reluctant to return.

YC asked me last night why don't I start off locally, instead of overseas where I may be looked down because I am not native?? Her words didn't really strike me by then, but it strikes me hard now.

Jo said we are just the equivalent of 2nd class citizens in UK, but we are neither first class citizen in our own country. Jo's theory was interesting: We are 2:1 Second Upper Class citizen in msia and UK, 2:2. We are second class anyway.. Just that perhaps more stuffs can be done easily in Msia if you have the power and the money. Life is easier for you there because corruption exists, yet it is the root to all the obstacles that pull the country off the track of becoming a vibrant developed country.

I told Jayne, I want to excel in my life, but I don't know how. I am just following whatever paths that are in front of me, and hoping to see the light (get a job offer) at the end of it. What if I don't see the light? Will I build a lamp post when I see darkness? No I wont. I will turn back and go on with another paths.

Perhaps I will never see a light at the end of all the paths I tried, then I will start considering building a lamp post myself. But will it be too late then? Yes it is..

I WANT TO EXCEL IN MY LIFE. Jayne told me to bear that in mind whenever I do any decisions. Yes Jayne. Thanks for telling me that.

And hopefully I see a light at the end of the path soon.

Or I will start building a lamp post equipped with all the tools before walking into that path......

Give me one more week

and everything shall end soon. All deadlines are in a week time. After the week, i can shift my focus back to my studies.

I regretted deeply for missing application deadlines for internship last year, and I vowed to start as early as possible for graduate jobs this year. But, situation doesnt change much. I started my application much earlier but I still submit my application when the deadlines are already around the corner, just like now.

Whatever that comes, I will take it as the results of my own lack of initiative. No one to be blamed except for myself. But I really really don't know what are the alternatives lay ahead for me? I have impressive CV but I did not utilise it.

I hope the decision of not pursuing a Masters is not something to be regretted in the future.
This is the point where I am making decisions on what will happen in the rest of my life. If I go back to Msia after graduating, I will never make it back to UK anymore.

I don't want this.

I have never been so lost and confused in my life. Not even when I failed to meet LSE grades last time. Not another decision time. Not another time really.

Give me a smooth journey ahead please.. I really need it.

I dont know what to say

Do not say I am ALWAYS trying to run away from responsibilities when I refuse to keep the thumbdrive. It is neither mine or yours. Why can't you keep it? Since when I run away from doing works? Tell me and I will shut my mouth up.

Do not ever get into my way until I get my stuffs done. I am not in the good mood. I am mad I am crazy I am hot tempered whatever. I don't care. I don't care whether you are joking or not, this is not the first time.

Screw off.

FULLSTOP.

I forgot how I was in 1st year..

And Hilda reminded me about it today.. I never know that the first impression I gave her was a very enthusiastic and appreciative girl who always seem to be excited.. Ya it was exactly two years ago, when the department held a lunch gathering for first year students to meet their tutors. Somehow all the invitation cards just went missing from the pigeon holes. And no one actually turned up to the lunch event. I was walking aimlessly in the department and Hilda the department secretary just asked me whether I would like to have some food?! Well, who would say NO to FREE food, especially for me!? I accepted her offer, and regretted it later because she led me into a room with all the tutors and I am one of the very few students there. Obviously I got so much attention because the lunch event is meant for students (like me) but none really turn up. I even told the tutors there when I was asked why did I choose to go overseas instead of studying in Msia national uni, my reply amazed them, "Because I am not one of the indigenous people, we don't get treated fairly, and education opportunities are not fairly available to everyone who deserves it"

But they don't really get the points because they can never understand how can Malaysians can be non-indigenous to Msia?! Fair enough.

I helped Hilda to clean the place after the event. I did not expect her to remember me after that, but obviously she does, very clearly, especially after I have a very brief talk with her today..

It just somehow suddenly struck me to realise again that how passionate I was, when I first came to Warwick, and the passion just went missing along the way, becoming less and less relevant to me, when my academic results just went so badly in the past two years. I can't really be bothered to study for class tests, because I know that I won't be able to answer them, somehow. I revised so hard for my papers, and my mind totally went blank in the exam halls next day, not once, but twice. I failed the papers.

Imagine the scores of 60 or 70 seem to be harder to achieve than ever; imagine sitting in the lectures with blank mind everytime, the whisper of discouragement is just so strong and affecting me so badly. Anything below 70 or 60% has never existed in my life until I came to Warwick.

I scrapped through my first two years in uni with a very borderline score of second upper class.

Conversation with Hilda today reminded how I was in my first year.

I OUGHT to find it back.

In my third year now

A very busy Term 1 with a rather slow start. I did not manage to do the unpackings of my packings and put them in places in my room, not until the domestic assistant was coming to my room the next day to clean my room. Thankfully, I was *forced* to tidy up my room before she came, so I can have her cleaning my room and justify the expensive acommodation rents that I am paying at the moment. >_<

Societies Fair in first week was good, with good response but not many people signing up at the end of the day for the society. Things wasnt going on too smoothly with the plan of week 2 social wasn't really in place at all. Plannings, Asking for suggestions etc etc in fb threads, lots of following ups between the execs to check how the progress goes etc. We had a great social last night with more than 40 people in the room, having good time doing quizzes etc. It was a succesful one, in clear contrary to our initial horror of not having many people turning up.

I think I am getting my feet too deep into a society that I am putting too much efforts in it, and Qz agreed with me. I am not a leader-type of person, but I work much more comfortably being a follower. Not a good thing, or maybe I should say that I work much more comfortably with the planning jobs rather than the efforts to do interaction with other persons (that seems to justify what leadership skills are, in some people's opinions). I prefer back-office kinds of work, and see my plannings resulting in good outcomes. I am just a person with very bad interpersonal skills, wanting to improve, perhaps improved a little. zZZzz

Term starts, 2nd week ending soon, job application deadlines are around the corner everywhere, I have not done a single application, my XinJiang speaker is ready to come to Warwick to give a talk, but I know we are not going to have him in the end. I never like the feelings of having something so near yet so far. Worse thing that can happen to someone in Msia that who goes against govt, is by throwing that person into ISA cell; but whoever who's in contact with the Chinese blacklisted people is not going to have easy time. :(

Too bad we are living in such world.

And that's how this world is run, with unfairness everywhere.

And people (Even myself) are always faking up, and I am fed up with being fake sometimes.

corporate life can be good fun too

Big boss was not in the office most of the time today..

Got some work to do today. I quite miss doing the research on palm oil sector actually and trying to get data from the hell-lot-data-scattering-around Google, when I first went into the dept at the start of my internship..

The IBK interns got a treat from the seniors on today!! All of us went lunch with the seniors, Pooi Sze, Richard, Raymond, Mei Ghee, Lilian, Goo, and Ka Chun from DCM dept. It was the last day for 3 interns in the IBK, while Yi Wang and myself will be ending nxt week too.. Love the treat, love the companion, and Lilian is really a nice person to speak to. :) Sentul Fish Head Curry changed to Korean restaurant, Daorae in hartamas, because of the roadblocks in KL for the n-th time.. At least this time I suppose it was for the Merdeka rehearsal, and wasn't due to some idiots protesting in a super wrong way.. But anyway, it is only going to be a 40 minutes parade in the parliament area, what the big fuss of the need to block roads?!!!!!

I think my seniors almost kena kantoi by me yesterday, email chain just died half way but luckily no one replied to it (or just being ignored I guess)...

Nearing the day of celebration of Malaysia's 52nd Independence Day, more and more advertisements regarding Msian's unity and care of each other are being broadcasted in the channels. All very touching scenes, as usual. But I really do not know do they still reflect well the current society in Malaysia? Do people really care of each otehr? Is it REALISTIC in the very first place?! Not for me at least. Those are the scenes showing (how) Malaysia (should be)..

Classification according to skin colours are racist and unfair, but sometimes it is not avoidable either. Are race-based parties still relevant nowadays? Maybe yes. Sometimes I think that the 1-malaysia concept is like.. the assimilation policy in Thailand and Indonesia where the Chinese there are being integrated into the local life, adopting Indon/Thai name, speaking Indonesian or Thai language, the identity of their own culture had gone missing ever since then... Malaysia manage to showcase its wide kaleidoscope of culture is mainly because races in Msia are still being differentiated very clearly and hence we can see the very different cultures that are being preserved very prominently, race-based-ly. Doesn't Thailand have a big population of Chinese too? but their showcased culture are more of Thai-ish, instead of Chinese culture, because they are already assimilated into the local culture..

Start counting down to the end of my internship

The title suggests that I am very looking forward towards the end of my internship in CIMB. YES indeed but NO on the other hand..

I think I am picking up more knowledge along the way and things make more sense to me now, but yet it is almost the end to it.. I wish I can work longer but I really can't drag myself out of the bed. My colleagues are all really nice people.

CIMB IBK division does not take in new graduates, as I told Eunice. Eunice said I must be really good (or lucky?) to get into this division then. But another intern was saying that what's the point of interning there if it is not a place for new graduates?! Can't remember who is that. Many people who intern of course aim to get a full-time offer in return.

Of couse, this kind of aim is not realistic to me.. so I aim to learn as much as I can, pick up as many things as I can along the way. I did not know that people who buy shares are no longer getting a share certificate anymore, in contrast, their shares are deposited into CDS Account. No wonder my aunt told my mum the other day that my grandfather's share certificate is quite useless now and it should be converted into "account" form. Now I know it is called CDS Account. A director in my team taught me the basic ideas of it, after I answered "No" to his question, "have u bought any shares before?"....

The director always reminds me of my father, somehow.

Sitting in a cubicle next to his cubicle, I can always hear him talking on the phone regarding many stuffs that I suppose people will quote it as P&C. He has amazing PR skills. The way he speaks on the phone is very diplomatic. One of the undone task I give myself is to make clear the whole idea of hedging, and putting together the small pieces of "puzzle" I pick up.. Vivid memory though.

Went out for lunch with the colleagues, with eunice and hexin joining us!! I don't know whether it is appropriate to ask whether my friends can join for lunch too, when one of my colleagues asked whether I am interested to join them for lunch. I want to join them for lunch. It is a hard-to-get opportunity since such offer does not come always and this was the second one. Hahah! I was hoping to see Eunice again and I don't want to ffk her last minute either. So ya!! Got Eunice and Hexin to join us as well! I hope I did not trouble my colleagues TOO MUCH since we did not know the way there and way to go back... Feeling pai seh actually.

Something that I learn today, not the technical knowledge, but the "careful-ness" attitude. Because I was careless, I spent so much of time trying to compute the financial summary of a company based on the sample and Richard told me Raymond has a template for it.. And Rosalyn actually sent the template to me but I did not realise it because it is "hidden". So I asked Raymond to send me his template again, and he sent me stuffs that Rosalyn gave me earlier. Still didn't realise the whereabout of the "hidden" template, I went to ask him personally, and I think I am really stupid for not realising it was actually in the very first page of the excel file. OMG super pai seh la..

I am really impressed by Raymond's template after Rosalyn explained to me how all the inter-linking formula were actually derived from the very basic financial statements. They make sense to me now.

I wish I have 75% of Raymond's brain and 75% of Richard's desire in learning new knowledge with the aid of internet. Well, 50% will do too! :)

Everyone in the team has different characters, when sometimes I did feel intimidated by it. but it is really because I had not put in the efforts to know them better. Really.. to me, it is a place where I can always ask for explanation when I don't understand. These people really spend time to guide me along the way.. What matters most is, whether you are willing to step out the first step, and get to know them better, and never feel embarassed whenever you have question...

My first step was stepped out rather late and it is towards the end of my internship, indeed. But I want to get the fullest I can, out of this internship....

Oh ya, I saw the 2nd highest ranking person of CIMB Group in the lift yesterday! A man who looks really steady in his manners. The first thought of mine was that this man must be one of the high-pangkat people in the office since everyone who came into the lift greets him... I wonder who this man is..

So I went to check on the directory about my bos' bos' bos... AND HE IS INDEED my BOS' BOS' BOS!!!